Esselleesselle: A User's Guide

Subject:	Welcome to the beginning of the start of your life...
Time:	2:30 am.

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!!!!!!!!!! Such a cruisy New Years this year, soooooo nice.

Drove down to the Gold Coast with Fi today - would have been for half the day but ended up being a couple of hours after I assumed Fiona knew where she was going and she assumed I knew where I was going and we ended up on our way to Coolongatta lol. By the time we made it back to Surfers we frolicked in the surf and sand, got hit on by some sleaze from Sydney, saw countless fake breasts, met up with Jane, then it was time to drive home.

Got home, got ready, picked up some Indian, went to Fi's, ate dinner there with her family, cruised on over to Matt and Clint's apartment, had one measely daiquiri (liver is thanking me profusely) pissed ourselves stupid with a poor attempt at spin the bottle (whose occurrence had NOTHING to do with me, and EVERYTHING to do with Matt - I swear it!) watched the fireworks, yelled out to random's on the street, denied a vomiting girl the toilet paper her friends were begging us for, lounged around regailing one another with emergency room and Toowoomba stories, then finished up by sending everyone in my phone a HAPPY NEW YEAR text message.

I am sure that alone has well and truly zapped my $79 cap. Here's to the start of some big changes and occasions in 2005, have a great one everyone!! Love me xoxoxox

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Subject:	Another Collins Christmas strikes again...
Time:	11:07 pm.

Call from my father this afternoon (Christmas Eve, 4pm)

"Hi Sar, it's me. Have you got any ideas about what you want from Christmas?"

"Dad, it's Christmas eve"

"I know but I haven't had a chance to get anything and I just thought maybe there was something you might like"

"Ummm, no not really..."

"Nothing you can think of?"

"Ummm, no...Don't worry about it, I'll need some stuff when I go to Melbourne so maybe later in January..."

"Ok. Oh and just warning you so we don't get yelled at when you get here - we didn't put the Christmas tree up."

"Why not?"

"Ohhhh we just couldn't be bothered."

"I'll put it up when I get up to Toowoomba!"

"No, don't bother, it's too much effort trying to take it down then..."

And so proves that Christmas can indeed get worse than I ever thought possible. Last year we had a big fight, this year we just don't bother at all.

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Subject:	Christmas Shopping
Time:	9:57 pm.

So get this, Chris and I just went and hit up Indooro to do our Christmas shopping and holy shit - there was like no one at the centre. It was a ghost town, apparently the word about them being open til 9pm didn't make it out to everyone so we got the BESTEST service ever. The sales assistants were practically bowing down to us when we entered their stores, so great!

We got all our presents gift wrapped, the present-wrapper people have made us look as though we were the ones with the present wrapping abilites. I am so impressed I may even write a letter to Centre Management and commend them on...well I don't know what exactly, but just for not doing good PR I suppose.

I said to Chris I felt like decimating a good portion of Brisbane's population so it could be like this more often, but that may be a teeney weeney mean - not everyone goes shopping everyday and the shop assistants would be bored shitless.

I also resisted the temptation to drink before tomorrow, except for a sip of Archers at the Pig n Whistle with Matt and Clint last night. Ooops. Temporary glitch in the system. Liver is coping just fine though so let's just overlook that one...

Ohhhhhh and finally I have this new thing that Mike got me into. It's called Myspace.com and it's kinda like a livejournal/friendster all in one. Very cool. Find me here:

http://profiles.myspace.com/users/12964403

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Subject:	You know it off by heart why are you standing in one place?
Time:	10:38 pm.

Christopher and I love you Gwen...

That's why we've taken your advice and decided to stop standing in one place and move on. Yes, in round a bout two weeks Chris-my-guy-equivalent-of-Fi (though it must be said Chris was the better kisser) is off to Canberra to commence his two years in Canberra's evidently cut throat world of breakfast radio *sobs*. But it's ok, because I am moving just 9 hours (by car) south, which is really just like a day on thunders when the last cross is at Bribie Island! (i like to put things in perspective, you see).

Will miss the Brissie gang and Chrissy and Googsie so terribly much but leaving/missing people seems to be the order of my life so I'm getting on with it.

Had a wicked mini-break to Toowoomba over the weekend and into Tuesday. We did the Tatt's Monday night, where I caught up and partied with my new hospitality buds, went back to a guy's house with about ten others at 4 am where we were entertained with puppetry of the penis antics (this time with regular sized scrotums, gargy) then trudged home at 5.30 (leaving Fi in bed with two guys, an old preschool mate passed out on the floor and three girls having a shower) only to walk up Bridge street looking like a street walker against the backdrop of Toowoomba's early rising walkers. It felt all very circa 1997 - 1999...

My liver really hurts now, I am keeping off the grog for at least...two days more...because then on Saturday night it's our promotions party at KB's whoo hoooo!!!

I am bringing fairy bread to the party because I am a fairy bread bandit!!

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Subject:	A post from Gargy's livejournal which is too funny for me not to post here...
Time:	12:16 am.

1:17 am
oh bkloody hell the link to esselleesselle's journal actually work. Fuck I'm a legendary d5runken poster. Ooh a five.
(2 comments | comment on this)

1:11 am
Oh my, I haven't done a drunk post in SOOOOOOOO long. I 'm not even sure how I logged in considerin ghow much beer (and tequila and cocksuckingcob woys I've had).

We had our work christmas party tonight - it was a country and western theme and I went as oil, and esselleesselle went as gold - ie, the reason ther was a wild west to begin with! (I'll be amazed if that link actdually works.)

I told someone at work tonight that I think he's hot. Sadly he has a boyfriend - and he was very gentlemanly and accepted my compliment and nothing esle. That's so good of him. Bastarx. d

IO hope I have th presenedce of mind to olock this entry. I'm fading now - we're meantt to go out now but I'm not sure if that's gooin to happen.]
\
yay drunk poostg.

I've made up two new words - poostg and cocksucking cob woy. I'm so clever.

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Subject:	Stir-crazy Toowoomba style
Time:	11:42 pm.

Man o man, what a fucking hilarious night. It is just the funniest thing in the world when you call someone, think you've hung up, continue talking about them then realise they are still listening in on the other end of the phone. So goes the saga with my new mobile which is a flip phone - I always thought that just flipping it shut is the hanging up part. Not so.

I. just. got. off. the. phone. to. a. really. good. male. friend. and. work. colleague. and. kept. a. conversation. going. with. my. friends. about. how. they. and. his. siblings. and. friends. think. he. loves. me. AND. HE. HEARD. EVERY. WORD.

MOLTO EMBARESSONTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The non-scenic route convo went something like this:

Fiona: (thinking I have just hung up the phone) Oh my God Sar, he is SO IN LOVE WITH YOU. You can hear it in the tone of his voice he has the biggest thing for you and you are just there flirting right back!!!

Me: hahahahaha I KNOW! But I flirt with everyone it doesn't mean anything! And he knows that. We discussed whether we liked each other and he said the only reason he started thinking there was something between us was because all his friends were saying we should get together...

Georgina: Oh my God you are so mean...

Me: (laughing hysterically) Yeah I know...

Fiona: Sar he really likes you, you'd be so good with each other. You should stop playing with him you'll break his heart.

Me: (laughing hysterically) Yeah I know...but I don't like him that way. I just flirt with everyone and he knows that it's not just directed at him, I just do it as a joke.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Then the conversation turned to how my best friends wish they could just act normal and not all giggly in front of crushes...that's when we heard a hang-up sound on the speakerphone...and that's when I called back my workmate and he said "just a tip. when you say goodbye to someone, it's a good idea to actually hang up the phone too"

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Anyways he took it very well and laughed it off like a champion and we spent the next ten minutes pissing ourselves laughing.

Saw Garden State for the third time last night after getting sloshed at Indian. I always get sloshed at Indian, and I can't get enough of Garden State, I'm becomming a cliche, so sad.

Hospitality night at Tatt's tomorrow night = lots of fun and crazy drinking escapades.

Oh and Chris, Andy and I made a pact in the QUT car park that we're heading to LA in five years time. Pinky sweared it and everything. VERY SERIOUS. God I am going to miss them...

Anyways better go and be a good hostess to my darling cousin who is watching Along Came Polly in the lounge. I fucking love Philip Seymour Hoffman in that movie when he is trying to overtake the community production of Jesus Christ Superstar SOOOO hilarious......even funnier than not hanging up a phone and being embaressed beyond words.... NIGHT xoxoxox

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Subject:	My home is like a zoo...
Time:	10:24 pm.

Just came downstairs to get online and was greeted by the biggest mosquito I have ever had the displeasure of seeing AND then a cockroach ran past my chair and has now hidden itself under the fridge. What is my house to all you little bastards?! The frickin' WWF?! The RSCPA?! Stay in your bloody habitat and leave me to mine as I'm extremely xenophobic about entomological creatures...

With that said and done, Chris and I won $10, 000 today!!! We will receive the money on December 24 when our names are announced as the winners of the ABC store's Kath and Kim competition - the prize is to have a $10, 000 shopping spree at Fountaingate. We are pretty stoked as we just happened to enter on our way from Toowoomba to Brisbane this afternoon about, hmmmmm, seven times. You had to make up your own Kath and Kim type phrases, and within our first few TXT entries we had declared ourselves as the rightful winners, knowing without a doubt that no one could top our knowledge and grasp of suburbian vernacular.

After we realized we were the winners, we decided on how we would spend our prize money. We are making a pretty fancy schmancy list and here's what I have so far:

Wanky surplas home appliances that you only use once but are cool to have just sitting around; I really want a futon; an artsy fartsy water jug like the one at Star Cafe in Gardentown which provided us with our water at today's lunch; copious dinner sets - I want the white square asian looking ones, some really grandma/anne of green gables/flowery/southern american/quaint/tea-and-cucumber-sandwich-under-guise-of-a-lace-parisol looking ones, and then another set which would hopefully look like David Arquette's dress sense in dinnerware for my funky ones; a tranquil water fountain with bamboo shoots, bonsai trees and the whole she-bang; a kennel incase I get a dog; some foreign language tapes so I can improve on my German then learn French, Spanish and Norwegian; some good steak knives; a fancy birdcage that can simply hang redundantly on a verandah making any premises I habitate seem lived-in, rustic and nostalgic; and finally a brother p-touch if they still exist. I asked for one for Christmas when I was 10 and never got it, and I have a feeling that it could be responsible for all the voids in my life.

I just love to label, you know how it is!

Will certainly be adding some more as they come to mind, because I ain't even scratched two grand with that line up. This is me, $10 000 richer and signing off.

Oh and I want an electric piano too, just thought of it then!

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Subject:	The randomness of it all...
Time:	10:05 pm.

Has my writing gotten more juicy lately or have I just acquired more friends? I got like 3 comments on my second last post, and am just so overwhelmed by it all. Like Gwyneth when she won her oscar. Actually a bit more teary and psychotic - I'll go so far as to compare me with Halle. Thankyou God, and thankyou to all my fans for letting me do what I do in this thing...

Moving on, took a random trip to Movieworld today. Fiona and I are such pogs, it's ridiculous. There are starving children in this world but this did nothing to hinder us from eating:

1 packet of twistes, 1 magnum ego, fruit chips (my attempt at being healthy), 1 beef and potato pie and 1 chicken and vegetable pie from Yatala, 1 coffee thickshake, 1 bag of fairy floss, 2 Strawberry cocktails and 2 Churros. I have a feeling there was more but can't recall it now. That was all between the hours of 11am and 4pm. We are disgusting seedbags who should be committed to a gym for a life sentence...

On our first ride (the Wild Wild West water/log ride) a 10 year old boy turned around to Fi and I and told us we were losers. We started losing it uncontrollably, could not stop laughing, then after the ride Fiona mentioned how funny it was that a ten year old knew the word "Floozies". Then I totally lost it laughing, I'm like "Fi, you do realize the little shit said we were LOSERS, not floozies!!" then she's all - "HE CALLED ME A LOSER?!!!! Right that's it!!!" little bastard...

Was such a fun day, we had cocktails before going on Lethal Weapon, everything about that ride was therefore a cocktail funnier than usual. Thought it was an absolute pisser when an announcement came over to remind people to "Please remove all loose items such as hats, glasses and prosthetic limbs".

In other news, bought a bunch of DVD's tonight from JB's...What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, Series 1, 2, 3 of Black Books, Laurel Canyon, A Mighty Wind, and Roger and Me. I am now officially a hermit for the rest of the week. All Bon Voyage wishes can be made here.

Now let me retire to my nest and enjoy some Franjelico.

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Subject:	Fun and frolicking at another Matt/Clint BBQ
Time:	10:36 pm.

Hiiiiiiii there livejournal,

Well it's been an interesting past week, "interesting" in this context meaning:

"To render one's existence ridiculously non-eventful due to copious 2am starts and crediting one's limited human function to caffeine drinks and nerve twitches alone".

At the end of the week and after a record 17 hour sleep, I dollied myself up and stumbled to Matt and Clint's for one of their BBQ's, which have become synonymous with:

1. staring at the Brissie skyline
2. screaming at brawling drunks on Milton Rd to brawl some more for our entertainment purposes
3. watching Matt on Wheel of Fortune against fellow contestants "Mary and Joseph". No joke.
4. playing Who Wants To Be a Millionaire (to which I came out winner with $32, 000 I must add)
5. inventing a new game - tentatively known as "Celebrity Suburbs"...

To word nerds and celebrity enthusiasts like Matt, Clint, Andy, Chris and Myself, this is a game of never ending fun. To anyone else it's probably worth a disinterested yawn, but since Saturday night we simply cannot stop. The gist of the game came about when one of Andy's friends (who is a guy but also a dead ringer for Paris Hilton) mentioned that if he became a thunder pilot he would want to be called "Paris Milton". All of a sudden we found ourselves trying to think of other Brisbane Suburb Celebrity names, and here is a list of some of the most top...

Justin Taringalake, Manly Moore, Bulimba Evangelista, Inala Trump, Whitney Herston, Highgate Hillary Duff, Jennifer Ormiston, Lisa Currie Kenmore, Coochiemudlo Stark, Toowong Foo, Annerley's Bracken Ridge Sak, Camp Hill Newman, Enogerra Dingo, Cuba Goodna Jnr, Donna Carindale...

Anyone from Brissie with a sense of humour would understand lol. You can be sure that I'll be adding some more soon.

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Time:

5:55 pm.

It's rare for me to have so much time on my hands to update this more than twice a month let alone twice in a day, but I had wanted to say something about the recent Australian and American elections and don't want to leave it any longer, having just read Meaghan's entry in her journal.

I don't care to get too political, but what the fuck went wrong?! I was really disappointed but thought "Fair enough..." when Howard got re-elected, because unless you follow what's happenning in the politics of this country, go to university, or listen to JJJ you rarely hear a negative thing toward his time as PM. Most people just don't have the facts presented to them, nor care to hear them and therefore vote ignorantly.

As for Bush, my God - I seriously had the Americans pegged as a smarter lot than us. You had Michael Moore shoving it down your throats, you had the rest of the world hating that your President was getting us into things we didn't want to be a part of, and yet this did not stop the majority of people from giving Bush a second term.

The main thing I cannot fathom is that the voters who went for Bush and Howard did so because of selfish reasons such as economical and business benefits, and baby bonuses. And then on top of it, let our gay population down by basically saying "we accept that you're out there, but we don't find that your relationship itself is either acceptable or valid". For fuck's sake...it makes me so angry that we place these things as higher than the state we've put the middle east in, or the well being of the future of our countries - ie, the kids who are being educated in understaffed and underfunded schools and expensive universities which will put us into debt for a good portion of our adult lives...

Waste waste waste...Bring back the Stott-Despoja and Hilary, I say.

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Subject:	Recovery day
Time:	11:33 am.

I am trying to work up the motivation to haul my ass to the gym today...I think I will ultimately be successful, but right now I just feel like doing nothing...feel like regaining the strength I lost due to having no sleep for close to 2 days (Street party, Fi's dad's birthday and running up a dress for uni ball).

I need fruit, that's what I need. Maybe if I can tell myself I am going to Carindale for fruit and vege shopping then sneak myself into the gym my body won't even realise! TRICKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was the uni ball last night, sooo much fun, loved it despite the fact that Em, Jess, Court and myself left early. It was just nice to go see everyone and have a groove - and they played MMMBop - must have known I was coming, and SO many people got up to dance to it - total closet Hanson fans, at least I'm shamelessly out and proud. This girl did a dance move that Taylor cracks in the film clip and I ran up to her and said "oh my God, you must be the biggest Hanson fan!" and she goes "No, not really" I said "But you just did that arm groove thing in that same part of the song where Taylor does it in the film clip!" and then she got all embaressed that I'd picked up on it and was like laughing into her hands then ran away! I think she thought I was taking the piss...

I made my dress (albeit only had it finished an hour before the ball) and it looked awesome, the photos showed it up really well I'm so excited to have dared to get that creative. I got to thinking that living in a capitalist society can really numb people's lateral and creative thinking abilities. It's so easy just to rock up to a store and let some other designer define your style. In an idealist world and had I more time I would make my whole wardrobe, then again, there's some bloody nice stuff in the stores at the moment lol.

Anyway, tonight Janey, Fi and I are all heading out for drinks, should be so great to catch up, just the three of us. So much stuff to talk about right now conducive to a girls nights out.

Uni is all over red rover for the year, now it's just a matter of waiting til January to hear about Monash. Which reminds me - need to send my portfolio and resume in... I did better than I could have ever anticipated with my results this semester, so hopefully it'll all be a goer ;-)

Well typing is draining my strength so I think I will go call Melbourne and see if a certain person can't recharge me lol. Laterz! xoxox

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Subject:	What to say...
Time:	11:40 pm.
Mood:	content.
Music:	"Broken Angel" Hanson.

Oh the joy of hearing a voice mature into something like what I am hearing of Zac Hanson right now...

Oh the joy of hearing such a beautiful voice as a means of distracting me from the looming reality of an exam I have no clue about in eight hours.

Oh the joy of total acceptance that this is my own fault, and realizing I care as much about it the same as I couldn't really care less, a nice happy medium really.

So much joy to be had right now...

LIKE - I got a new watch which I actually paid more than $6 for, and bought from a JEWELLER as opposed to KMART's kiddie section!

I am going to be an extra in a commercial tomorrow for responsible drinking, life's ironies are some sweet pleasure right there.

Dinner for Mark's birthday tomorrow night = Three Monkeys = Sarah at her happiest.

Cirque De Soleil Thursday night, merged with a street party into the early hours of Friday morning.

Uni ball Friday night, cannot wait.

...and someone to make that last phonecall of the day to ;-) (could possibly explain my lack of caring toward v. important exam tomorrow morning...)

LOVES it.

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Time:

7:23 pm.

Where did September go? I mean really...all of a sudden it was Riverfire, then i woke up and it was October 1st! Well, at least when I think about why this may be, I can certify that my days have been filled to their brim, a cataclysm of work, study and delighting in my mad passions.

I have to say, it is so lovely to actually be having a Spring this year. People must be mad to leave Brisbane around this time of year. The days ease into themselves, and roll into the caress of a night time sky. It is truly beautiful to be part of an environment that functions in such a steady progression.

This is not to say that the woes of life are not present, I cannot imagine a time where they will not be lingering. Once upon a time, I literally had no worries in my life. Not one. I remember wondering why bad things just seemed to escape me, and why other people had to endure them. Perhaps they just needed to catch up with me. Having said this, life is wonderful, I seem to have manouvered myself into a position where I can accept a rough patch and don't let it overcome all the positives I am so blessed to be afforded.

I know where i have come from, and where it is I'm going. I increasingly understand my place in the world. I don't want to stay in my job, but I love it and appreciate it more than ever before. I don't care what people think of me. I am steadily regaining the many things that have been shed from who I am over the years and loving what is of the essence of me. I am no longer the cynic of half a year ago, nor the girl with interrupted sleep.

I want to reach out to people, realising what it is to make a difference and how simple it can be. I want to change the world with mud-masks and food, acting and art. I'm finally on the right track for my journey. I love the people who are coming with me. This is Sarah saying "hello wallabies!!! Isn't it great to be alive?!!!".

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Subject:	Plans, bands and people called Stan.
Time:	4:58 pm.

Yeah, so my subject line sucks, what are you gonna do about it...

So much to report, but so little anyone reading this would really care haha. I am going to see Belle and Sebastian tonight YA YA YA. How bloody exciting, I am going by myself because I don't want to be around anyone who doesn't love them as much as I do who'll ruin it for me. Yes, I have planned this down to the last detail, there is no way anything is coming between me and my ultimate concert experience.

Had a weekend this past weekend which actually felt like a weekend is meant to. Amazing. There's gotta be some sort of formula that I've tapped into to get the feeling that you've had time to relax...let me think...Friday night headed to Fi's for takeout dinner and movie. Home by 2am. Next day involved bumming round home in the morning before heading to Indro to see Fahrenheit 911 and buy the shoes I have had my eye on for evers. That night went to Gem's place for dinner and drinks with Chris and Sar, then out to the valley afterwards and met up with everyone for Ash's going away, then onto the Normanby. Did a macca's run on the way to dropping Chris and Dave home. Drove home and in bed by 2am. Sunday, breakfast at Pancakes with Chris. Then both headed to work, had coffee on the balcony, went back to Chris's and watched 5 episodes of Will and Grace back to back before Sar came over for a bit and I headed off to Fi's again for dinner at coffee club.

Jesus Christ, it's no bloody wonder I feel so relaxed.

Uni is up and running again, loving my subjects and lots of cool new people in my classes. The major thing I'm getting ready for however, is my medieval banquet for my 21st/22nd, it's going to be the party of the century, that's my guarantee or your food at the feast will be happily refunded...

People are doing the inevitable and asking what I want, and I am insisting that I don't want anything, but to save people going insane because they are intent on getting me something, I am putting the announcement out that I desperately need nice photo frames!!! AND I AM HOPING THAT JANE IS READING THIS AND CAN PASS THE MESSAGE ONTO EVERYONE!!! HAHA.

I also would welcome the following DVD titles into my burgeoning collection with open arms: The Man Who Wasn't there, Bend it like Beckham, Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, The Castle, Bowling for Columbine, Bridget Jone's Diary and Dumb and Dumber.

That's all for now. *Sings* "I'M A CUCKOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Subject:	Stuff, stuff and more stuff
Time:	11:23 pm.

Hi there livejournal,

It's been a while since I wrote in you. It occurred to me that I only use you when I am in a bad mood and need some place to vent. I decided this wasn't a very nice way to treat a friend who without any sign of protest houses all my scribblings, so I thought I would write a bit of a jovial entry to make up for it.

Livejournal, today I went to a run through for Chris's play. It was a lovely rehearsal and even better is the fact that Chris got me hired to be the play's makeup/hair designer.

I spoke to Rune last night for the first time in roughly a year livejournal. It was so fabulous to pick up from where we left off, and was fun practising my norwegian on his father who surely thought I had a brain problem.

I am thinking of taking next semester off uni, livejournal. I have a doumentary that I would very much like to get made within the next 6 months and can't see much point in continuing when I wish to move to Melbourne anyway.

Livejournal, I spoke to a friend tonight who I have been out of contact with for several months. It was a sheer delight, and we are going to persue a night out to dinner and the movies in the near future which I am over the moon about. I told him that if he is as available as I am when I'm between the ages of 26-30 that I should like to marry him. He agreed. Does that count as an arranged marriage livejournal? Should my family start saving my dowry? I need an answer within roughly 5 years.

My best friend in all the world livejournal, is so special that it kills me I have someone like that in my life. I love her to death and the knowledge that no one could ever be privy to our secrets and inside jokes is the sweetest pleasure I have ever known.

Finally livejournal, I have made it through my first Gilmore Girls since JP's departure and have spoken to the infamous JP himself and am blessed in the knowledge that he is so divinely happy in what he is doing now.

Thankyou for letting me use your services livejournal, I promise to write again soon my dear friend.

Love Sarah xoxox

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Subject:	Please someone tell me this is normal
Time:	9:59 pm.

Eurghhhhh what to say. I feel as though I need to do some more word paintings to spit out all the junk I am feeling at the moment. Why in God's name when there really isn't anything significant happenning to me in my life do I wake up in the mornings with my brain this huge complicated mess. What is that? When did it start happenning? I can't even remember, I just know it's been going on for a while.

I keep feeling this impending sense of doom in the middle of my sleepless nights. The weirdest thing happened the other night which is so hard to explain, but it seriously disturbed me...I woke up from a bad dream and saw this like black, convoluted shadow withdrawing from above me and twisting up into the ceiling. At the time I was convinced that what I saw was real but have since put it down to a bad dream that I was coming out of. But honestly at the time I felt like I was going to die. Not right there and then, but I had such a sense of my mortality. I don't know why, I just did. And in my half-asleep state I got up to turn my stereo off because the light from it was bothering me and when I turned the off button a message flashed across the screen that said "GOODBYE" which it always does when you turn it off, but it was so creepy, like some sort of omen.

Life is just so confusing right now, but for no apparent reason. I feel like everyone around me is seeing a different reality to the next person and everyone is out of sync with one another...maybe I just need some sleep, but still. Maybe I am just starting to find out what life is all about. Maybe life has been showing me the world with blinkers on the last 21 years and it's only in the last fucked up year that the layers are slowly being revealed to me of how emotionally taxing just getting through the day really is.

Could someone reading this just tell me that what I am feeling is totally normal and that everyone goes through these fucked up phases? Just to give me some amount of perspective and level of reasoning...? K thanks. Just need to know I'm not going insane this early into my life.

"Too young to be feeling this old
Too hot to be shivering,
quivering like I am cold..."

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